Thinking over what I wrote yesterday, I caught myself on a snag. I was trying to be truthful about self-doubt, not hoping for a pity party, but to be honest on this daily artlife journey. According to a friend what I said had a nuance if not public declaration that my work is not authentic and I do not believe in it. I'd more sooner be reliable about twiddling my thumbs than for collage, assemblage, and Intermedia pursuits. For that I am sorry. Not in my drama, but in my confusion I landed in the high country of "what the hell am I doing". The vistas looked different this time;I assumed progress. In my present fuse of anger I wanted to give up because I did not have the words to describe the imagery and concept. I assumed I reverted to playing with raw abandon. In some circles play just does not cut the edge of professionalism. I don't like them for that matter. The dollar bill seems mightier as well as being an adult. I saw whimsy in kind turns on the page with Introvert's Rhyme. My heart was released from bondage. Free and easy and easy breezy it seemed. Till the dream imagery came in context and all of a sudden I flirted with adulthood again.
If I am smart, I'll pull the next artist statement from all of this scripting. I never meant to come across as not believing in myself. I feel it was that I forgot the paths I traveled and the burden of pain to meter it out on paper, series by series. It may take a dictionary or tow, but I'll find the words with patience.
As for being a liar, a cheat and a thief, I plead guilty. Mind you, my understanding of the law is different that what I obligate myself to. I have not plagiarized or falsely otherwise claimed work as my own. I am perpetually caught in this issue of cultural appropriation. As much tribal art as I have seen and turn in circles around my mind, I take great pains to give accurate reference, documentation and authorship to what sparks my creative energies. Some may never understand that the groove that contemporary art produces leaves a well of technology and political issues that I am not interested in pulling water from. I am not a politician, I do not provide CNN type commentary, and my processes are slow. Maybe it is an issue of magic that I harbor in my meager understandings. It is not big science I take arms with, but little science, symbol and sign. I find my means often at the foot of the Sphynx scrawling out marks that could open others into my realms of understanding. I am a century or two back learning how to do for myself without metals and large books with large drafted designs. I digress, I kindle my inspiration and solve academic composition issues by referencing the tribal, the ancient, the brut and the primitive. I find more kinship with those who are not trained than those affiliate with the refined brush stroke. I hold on to... well.. let me put it this way. My first art show after graduating with my M.F.A. was at the Green Space Arts Collective in Denton. Texas. I was hanging the show and a woman stopped by looking for the director. Instead of waiting around she came into the space and watched me hang. I showed her a piece and she asked me if i was a freshman. I told her no and that I had just graduated. She told me she like the piece, but it was amazing that all my education had not trained out my raw energy. "Usually the graduates have calm pieces. So much so they put you too sleep. This doesn't do that." I took the whole conversation as a compliment. Distinct may be the other word I need.
Well, the auction at TASTE is tonight for the Dallas Junior Chamber of Business. I hope that my pieces will find good homes. As for me, I will not be going. I am not a drinker or an alcoholic; all that wine and drinking does not sit well with me. Here's a wish for safe travel to and from home for everybody.
As ever, stay hungry and curious.