I have to find joy in other activities and lessen the pressure on my drive to finish. Maybe then no mistakes and a strong presentation. I'm tired of fudging and I am tired of the excuses and I am just plain tired of the whole concept of being an artist. Mind you I am not giving up, I need a breather and air before I realize I'm farther into this than you could guess at first looks. I'm struggling to for the first time in almost a decade. Not for imagery, mind you that was the first year of graduate school when I began to believe that what I was doing in college has no place, maturity or complexity in the big scene. If you're going to dream they seemed to say, I better dream big otherwise I am getting swallowed in the landscape. I scaled down and I'm headed in the same process groove for the sake of management and survival. Meaning: I'm too afraid of getting a rental space, forgetting to pay one month and losing another oeuvre of a different age.
I am upset today and moved to stillness. I don't want to be still. I'm not Catholic, but maybe the effect that the Pope Emeritus has is far reaching. I just have to be still and soak it in. Historic indeed. Maybe the Branch Davidian Anniversary is yet another to be still today. Just today I would think.
I feel the need to walk away. I don't want to blame anyone. I feel part of me is saying give up and retire. Put it aside for now and don't look back. It makes no sense, but my drive is confused as am I. Will rest sort it all out? I hope. I hold on to that story about Michael Jordan when they told him growing up he'd never amount to anything, that he had no talent, that he should give up basketball dreams forever and act normal. Damn the economy, damn my naysayers and damn my unrefined nature; I'll find a place to show, to present, to sell. I wanted this life to make art and eventually found to hone it into prayer. It was not for the money. Still eventually I'd like to sell enough to call it a business and not jus